"well, i guess we can thank our f*cky stars for that!"

In times of crisis (such as the one described below) i like to channel the spirit of a great hero of mine,

this man is Malcolm Tucker.

Irmando Annuci's creation, loosely based on Alastair Campbell, played by (the ever-staggeringly softly spoken and self effacing by comparison..) Peter Capaldi, and the star of BBC drama The Thick of It.

Chief spin doctor for the programme's useless incumbent government Tucker stalks the corridoors of Whitehalls, ready at any moment to nail an unwitting employee to the wall, unloading a staplegun full of expletives on them, dripping with poison.

Strangely enough though you can't help but love him. As an employer he'd be hell... but he makes for hilarious viewing.

And its the small touches of humanity that slip through the chinks of his armour that leave you rooting for him; his gentle manner towards his secretary, and the way he steps in to tear down anyone abusing their power to victimise the helpless.

Here are a selection of his quotes helping me through the day:

discussing a past employee thats currently with his colleague on the end of the phone

"What's that sort of droning noise in the background there? What, kind of boring, kind of low, sort of droning, boring, kind of miserable, whining, kind of, sort of... boring noise going on?"

"Feet off the furniture, you Oxbridge twat. You're not in a punt now."

Miscellaneous Civil Servant: Can you stop swearing, please?
Malcolm: Oh, I'm terribly sorry, you won't hear anymore swearing from us you MASSIVE, GAY, SHITE! FUCK OFF!

"If you do think about running with this pill story, I'll personally fucking eviscerate you, right? I mean, I don't have your education, I don't know what that means. But I'll start by ripping your cock off and I'll busk it from there. OK?"

before the opposition visit

"You tell them nothing except where the toilets are, but you lie about that."

Simon Foster: Judy and I thought I could row back on Question Time, tonight

Malcolm Tucker: You're not going on Question Time tonight, you've been disinvited
Simon Foster: We've been prepping Question Time!
Judy: Why wasn't I told about this?
Malcolm Tucker: Why the fuck would I tell you about it? I've just told you to fuck off twice yet you're still here?
Judy: You should tell me about it as it's a scheduled media appearance by a member of this department and therefore it falls well within my purview!
Malcolm Tucker: Within your 'purview'? Where do you think you are, some fucking regency costume drama? This is a government department, not some fucking Jane fucking Austen novel! Allow me to pop a jaunty little bonnet on your purview and ram it up your shitter with a lubricated horse cock!
Judy: Your swearing does not impress me. My husband works for Tower Hamlets and believe me those kids make you sound like... Angela Lansbury!

Malcolm Tucker: [to Simon] She's married? Poor bastard.

lubricated horse cock.

that is all.