vidieeew lolz

pahahaha this video makes me laugh SO much.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUFAr15X8zA

in the interests of context:
we had been sat by a river drinking all day and occasionally jumping in and accidentally swallowing its rivery spores.
The drinking was to combat the cold (which you can hear in the wind) also because we are generally irresponsible alcoholic types.
we were playing a game which we invented whilst bored and on the internet,
you google your nearest branch of sainsburys / tescos / whatever your nearest supermarket is,
and try to guess its characteristics.
i.e..... how many parking spaces.......??
ooooh. exciting.


Particular high points of the video =
'what if you're done with your shopping?'
'GO HOME!'

'its like he's trying to hurt us.....'


this guy is a fricking stallion in LOOns

JLB Credit- F*ck oFF PleAse!

So i'm at work.
And everyone else has gone home. And I am here until 7. with my soul slowly eroding.

In her infinate wisdom my manager made me take my lunch at 2.30 so I was left with 4 solid hours to sit here staring at this screen and fantasizing about ways to hurt her [dislaimer. i would not hurt her. its just a delightful cheeky little turn of phrase i enjoy].

Plus my work basket is just full of utter SHIT,

It's been like somebody driving a lorry down the office,
shouting, ''Bring out your shit'', and it's ended up at my door.

!!

k1tty k1tTY c@t caTs

I just found out that in Tokyo there are 'Cat Cafes' where you can go and play with cats and have coffee.

COFFEE.

AND CATS.

my favourite friends in life! ohmigod i want to go so heinously badly!

as much as this woman has stolen and ruined Russell Brand, and as much as her clothes look like someone ate a pack of playdough and puked all over her...

I WANT HER LIFE!

and she is slamming hot.

so i will allow it.

Ki$S the BeAtLEs

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw. I really want this! :)

I don't get how people can be bored of the Beatles. The levels of fame and exposure they had should by rights ruin any band... but every time i listen they just sound so fresh and i end up wondering how four boys from Liverpool could create such beautiful things which have touched so many people all over the world...

And i realise that music is a type of magic that can't be explained by formulas.

If i ever get a tattoo i think it would have to say:
If you've lost your faith in love and music the end won't be long.
LIBERTINES

So... My DAy oFF waS a tOtal BusT...!

and now i'm back to the joys of this MADHOUSE. I've been here since 7am and the phone hasn't stopped ringing since, i feel like the cables are about to snap out of my neck from stress and my voice is running out.....
arghhhhhh! i can't wait to leave here in 3 months time,
i'm going to get a special calender where you rip off the pages as the days pass, so i can use them for a variety of hate-filled exercised such as wiping my ARSE on them.

But anyway... yesterday
I had to drive to visit my partner's Gran with him... then spend about a million years looking at pictures of hundreds of interchangeable old people and children, drinking cups of tea, watching the hands of the clock painstakingly steal moment after moment of my life which i can never get back, and being repeatedly called Lorraine. (my name is Lauren).


After the weekend just gone i did have a little think to myself about the fact that i really should stop drinking so much before i start to die...
but now i see that there is a very valid and critical reason why that should never happen. because LIFE IS TRAGIC ENOUGH, WITHOUT HAVING TO BE SOBER FOR IT.

and with god as my witness I will never go sober again!

ArrangIng To Meet my Mate

by textamaphone


J: Where are we heading then? My place or yours? And is it ok to bring the lovely A again? :)

Me: Yes you may, on the condition that you answer me this young Mr W. Are you two humping eachother? / generally planning to? As your legal guardian and general nosey parker I demand to know!
In the interests of fairness I will tell you about me and Charlie first;
i'm just a little old fashioned,
it takes more than a physical attraction,
My initial reaction is,
honey give me love, not a facsimile of love.

p.s. yeah we can go to mine. I may even tidy up as a treat.

J: In response to your many questions we are not humping, but are ever so slightly crazy about eachother.
She's a dream!
Name your time, I will be there (8 please :p)
how you been anyway radar operator? loveage x

Me: haha you are SUCH a sap! i like it. plus she does have a pretty rad car [Its a Morris Minor].
I have considered it, and I give you my blessing!
I have been having jolly old times thanks, will shpill the beans tomorrow. See you at 8!


This girl is in her last year of SIXTH FORM! and my friend is 22 and graduated from uni. Another male friend of mine dated a 16 year old when he was 22 and in the last year of his degree.

I really thought i would be at least 30 before all the men i know become only interested in much younger women... *sigh*

I StiNK

this morning.

My hair stinks of musty smoke cos i spent a lot of it festering in my friend's new flat, and i can't get the taste of onion off my tongue. Despite prolonged brushings and listerine.

Probably didnt help that i crunched about half a raw onion from one of those little bags of what me and my partner call 'crack salad', that they give you with Indian takeaways, which is basically a bag of shredded onion with the occasional treat in the form of a slither (yeah i know its sliver but i like slither better. its onomatopoeiac!) of tomato or cucumber.

Other things i rammed down my face-hole included onion bhajis, alloo gobi (spiced potato and cauliflower), saag paneer (indian cheese and spinach), channa masala (spicy chickpeas) and malai kofta (vegetable and almond spicy balls in a thick creamy sauce.)
My FAVEST curry

It was the cherry on the cake of an epic weekend!
But now i am such a fatty fat fat, i should really stay away from diving boards in case people ask my mother not to park her van on them.

Friday night i finished work at 7 and went out for dinner with my partner's family, I had a tart made of asparagus and a local cheese called Flower Marie, with buttery potatoes and salad. For pudding i had chocolate and hazelnut tort which literally made me feel like i was going into a diabetic sugar-coma.
It was awesome.

Then i went home and got wasted on gin with my friend til we eventually passed out at 4 in the morning.

We ate breakums in the garden with my partner, veggie sausages, hash browns, scrambled eggs and congealed beans [BEST way to serve them. try it. i urge you.] and laid on the grass trying not to die and talking about why having sex in the sea wouldn't work

Me: it might be pretty good but like.... the main problem is all the water...

C: I think thats basically the point of the sea.. that its MADE of water!

Me: Yeah i know but despite the fact that its wet... it doesnt really like.... provide much... um... lubrication...?

J: exactly!

Me: ...but you can get waterproof lube, maybe you could just use that. (to C) you'd have to hang it round your neck like one of those money holders! shotgun you have to wear it!

C: what?? why do I have to?

Me: because I have made my contribution to the provision of lubricant, now its time to do your share.


This is the kind of conversations that the three of us indulge in regularly. We do not have what would be described as boundaries, when it comes to conversational topics.

That night we went to Cafe Rouge!
I had a houmous baguette with seasoned chips and salad.

Just over 12 hours later i frequented Cafe Rouge again, to stave off hangover mark II with a gruyere omlette and sautee potatoes. YUM.

That afternoon i had bbq at my friend's newly purchased house, pepper, onion and tomato bbq'ed skewers, and a veggie burger.

This was at about 6pm. Between 6 and 9 we watched 3 solid hours of Peep show and drank our way through a crate of teeny french beers.
By 9.30 our inhumanoid bellies were demanding sustenance again so we got OBSCENE and uneccesary ammounts of takeaway (as detailled above).


So now i am just a fat kid. A fat kid that smells like onions.
But if i had my time over....... i would do it all again!

PURRsonal

So i feel like i make the odd personal post but i've been keeping them kind of vague as i've been undecided for a while as to whether to let my friends know about my blog / encourage people to read it,

i feel like the main purpose for even writing it is to purge myself of the constant flickbook of insanity / peepshow quotes / bitchery / hungry food-based thoughts that never stops running through my head.
And if people i know read it then how can i write unreasonable stuff about them to help me like... lay it out and be able to look at it from the POV of a normal person ??

well. i wouldnt be able to is the answer to that. So i'm going to treat this bloggy blog as a kind of diary to put all my gross *thoughts and feelings* in, then i can read them back and be horrified at how much of a tragic loser i am.
this will help me to be a Whole New Woman. a nice one. one who is normal in the brain.

That much, at least, is the plan.


bleuuuuurgh. i hate mondays! I got a new fluffy light up Zac Efron pen from Wilkies to help cheer me up,

I dont know why. I don't even like the Efron,

why is his hair the same colour as his face...
and why is it the shape of a lampshade.

i'll never trust that guy! [which i said to myself in a Bob Dylan voice. of course.]

A Boy I'm Secretly gay for

just said this to me;

- you are the most wonderfully weird person I've ever met

- and yet it's like there's something far more inherently normal and human about you because of that

- sorry, I've obviously decided to be an english lit student for the evening.

sigh <3 <3 <3

naturally by way of thanks  I took the piss.

tonight's conversation was begun by me saying:

We have such a beautifully functioning friendship, if i wasnt me i'd be totally jelous.

15 Day challenge, done in ONE DAY! eat my dust bitchez

Day 15
15 Basic facts about you:
- I am 22 years old but for some reason I always go to say 23 then correct myself
- I am a girl, but only in a female biological sense. I don’t much reckon on the idea of innately ‘girl’ or innately ‘boy’. I think these are things we are taught from the minute our mumma’s friends and relatives start picking out pink or blue babygrows as a congratulations gift.
- I studied politics at Cardiff university
- I plan to do my masters this year in Political Communications.
- I work in insurance, I have done for a year, and I am ramming my resignation letter right where the sun don’t shine as soon as I have saved enough for my masters.
- My parents are still together.
- They met when they were 16.
- I don’t have one best friend, but I have a close inside circle.
- I would be described as slim. I know this because that is how people describe me.
- My absolute fave rave is Cecil Ingram Parsons.
- I love food, its one of my favourite hobbies.
- My ears are pierced once in each lobe, my left tragus has a stud and my navel is pierced with a bar.
- I used to wear a belly bar that said ‘eat me’ but my partner made me change it for a green jewel one
- I have a thing for cartoon owls
- I wear a ring round my neck which my Grandad bought my Nanna on their anniversary when they were on holiday in Amsterdam, it has a ruby and reminds me not to give up on love.

Day 14
14 not so basic facts about you:

- I never use more than 4 eggs in one go because its disrespectful to the hens.
- I used to have a serious phobia of sick, I couldn’t stand to think of anyone being sick or hear or see it. I quickly got over it when my friends discovered alcohol and forgot about self restraint. It took me several years of devoted binge drinking til I finally blew chunks myself, it was on the pavement outside a barbers shop downstairs from the steps to my friend’s flat.
- I am creeped about germs but in a totally contradictory way, I clean my hands thoroughly and disinfect with alcohol, if someone is ill I disinfect eeeeverything including boiling toothbrushes. I once heard when you flush the toilet a plume of bacteria flies out so I usually put the lid down with my foot.
However - I will drop food on the floor, shout ‘three second rule!!’ and scarf it down anyway.
- I’m terrified of flying. I think its cos when I was young my mum always used to puke on flights.
- Unlike what seems like every other person on the planet I don’t think cheating is that bad of a thing.
- However I am fiercely loyal to my friends and loved ones and when people hurt them I never ever properly forgive them.
- I am really attracted to guys with grey hair, or better salt and pepper hair. I think it’s so sexy.
- My favourite place to eat out is Harvester. My dad despairs of me on the basis of this fact. But with unlimited salad cart it pays to be plebbish old man.
- When I’m happy I rub my feet together
- I used to cry at the Chuckle Brothers when I was a baby because I didn’t like it at the end when angry people always shouted. That mentality has pretty much stuck with me through life.
- Sometimes I don’t wear a bra all day as a treat
- I am a master of the art of the nature-pee
- I only narrowly avoided missing the last two flights I took, the first because I was in the pub, the second because I was in a veggie burger restaurant.
- I always wanted to be bisexual, I’m not sure if I am, and I’m not sure if its even as simple as that.

Day 13
13 ways to break the ice:

- get drunk
- do a stupid face / voice / impression and totally imbarrass myself
- find something you are both mutually nerdy about and rant on about it
- get drunk
- ask them mind-numbing questions about what they study / what they do… inwardly kick self for being so boring, kind of like a boring aunt. Apologise for aforementioned boringness.
- Laugh for no reason. NB: This doesn’t usually break the ice it just makes me look like a general loon
- do something massively retarded like go; ‘seeeeeeeeeeehw. This is awkward!’
- I
- Don’t
- usually
- break
- the
- ice ….

Day 12
12 signs you’re into someone:

- I take the piss out of them
- I secretly remember things they’re into and then casually bring them up as if I had no idea they were into them too.
- I probe mutual friends for details on them
- I plant secret messages with mutual friends about how I like them, like ‘omg I think they’re fucking fit but DON’T tell them.’ Knowing full well they will tell them.
- I see how long it takes them to reply to my texts then double it before I reply to theirs.
- Eyefucking. Never underestimate the power of eyefucking.
- If they bring up the fact that we like each other I am adamant that I am only interested in fucking them and nothing more. (stick that up your arrogance pipe!)
- I’m secretly kind to them when no one’s looking
- I hate to eat around them and don’t get comfortable doing it for AGES. Then when I’m REALLY into someone I turn into a complete hog / feeder, stuffing my face ALL THE TIME and persuading them to join in.
- I meet their family. I hate meeting families so this is a BIG deal
- I never call them by their real name, and choose instead from a menagerie of ridiculous alter-egos and names I create for them
- I smell them when I think they aren’t looking.

Day 11
11 signs you’re not into someone:

- I take the piss out of them
- I roll my eyes at things they get enthusiastic about
- I forget they even text me in the first place, and don’t reply for days
- I wheel out my special ‘look’ reserved for people who annoy and disgust me
- I don’t make eye contact
- I make excuses not to meet up with them. Over and over again.
- I don’t listen to what they talk about or even really pretend to.
- I employ physical barriers to keep them away from me, like cushions or notebooks
- I think about kissing them and do a little bit of sick in my mouth
- I give them nicknames like ‘Dave the Bastard’ (real guy)
- I do horrible drawings of them and wrap them in sausage meat and call them a sausage muncher.

Day 10
10 things you do when you’re bored:

- Force myself not to boredom eat
- read blogs of people I don’t know and will never meet
- look at beautiful things I want on Etsy
- answer questionnaires like this
- plan future outfits
- plan future dinners
- stalk people I don’t care about on Facebook
- watch series like Mighty Boosh and Thick of It that I’ve seen billions of times before
- check my phone repeatedly and obsessively
- decide to take up a new hobby, research it enthusiastically for about an hour. Never think about it again.

Day 9
9 things that make you happy:

- eating cheese-laden and calorific foods
- waking up and being able to turn over and go back to sleep
- My beautiful and insane friends and the beautifully insane things they do. Recent activity:
A ninja bbq, where we all dressed up and ninja-ed out to a field by the river to get wasted and eat burgers
- laughing with someone so much it makes my stomach hurt
- A pair of FUGLY pink bed socks with a picture of a penguin on which say Chillin’. My friend hates them and has threatened to burn them but I love them, they make me feel snugly J
- Stuffed animals and beanies. At the moment on my bed I have a ty monkey with creepy bug-eyes, an easter rabbit with a carrot, some terrifying relic from my childhood which has one ear and brown dead eyes, and a leopard ‘jungle chum’.
When I’m upset a new toy animal will always cheer me up.
- Going somewhere new and exploring.
- Roasts
- The Cinema

Day 8
8 things you’re known for:

- Hoggishness and disturbing stomach capacity for a size 8 girl
- My evil cackle
- Persistent and rampant drunkenness
- Ridiculous denial of the aforementioned drunkenness ‘I’ve drunk… this whole bottle of whiskey……. And um not even drrunk!!’
- Being in love with peoples’ dads
- being painfully quiet when I don’t know people
- doing ridiculous things and justifying them with ‘it was funny!’
- being tragically competitive when it comes to Cluedo…

Day 7
7 things you want to do:

- visit Russia
- Travel across America
- Run the marathon
- be vegetarian forever
- be a maid of honour at my best friends’ weddings. I am totally willing to put up with the rank dress and accompanying them to the toilet duty, as long as I get total jurisdiction over the hen night. And there will be no L-plates / fairy wings / limos / screeching like slutty orang-utans. But it will be AWESOME.
- stay in a hotel room with a Jacuzzi
- make goats cheese from my own goats and eat it on a pizza

Day 6
6 things you’ll never do:

- eat meat
- make babies
- accept racism, sexism or any form of bigotry
- Dive with sharks. I HATE them with all the hatred in my black empty heart. They scare the CRAP out of me.
- give up carbs. In your DREAMS Dr Atkins
- buy Crocs. I think they look absolutely vile / hilarious. Hilariously vile. And I hope who ever created them is sat back on a giant throne of money dying of laughter at what he’s got people to wear.

Day 5
5 good things about you:
- I hate for peoples’ feelings to get hurt and always think about what I say to people.
- I buy awesome presents. I never settle for chocolate or flowers, I will hunt like a stubborn wolf for something that will suit someone perfectly and that they’ll be pleased with.
- I’m not fake. If I don’t like someone I don’t pretend that we’re besties, and if something’s wrong I won’t pretend everything’s fine. This can however be a bad thing…
But I hate people who smile at your face then laugh at you as soon as your back is turned. I would never ever be like that.
- I’m a feeder, I love cooking for people and making them eat big fat portions. I hate to think of people going hungry so I feed anyone I can.
- I’m told I’m good at diffusing crap situations with humour, e.g.
The year before last we were meeting at a petrol station to go for a walk by a river, we all got there early and parked to wait for my friend, as she pulled in off the main road she didn’t look in her rear view and was hit in the side by a beasty people carrier. Nobody was hurt but she got out of the car and immediately burst into tears, we ran over but before we could do anything a woman in another car (she was a Serena Williams look alike in a red conservative and a white minidress) had leapt out and clasped hold of my friend and was grasping her to her vast and heaving basoomas. We all stood there awkwardly for a bit then when my friend eventually calmed down enough to get back in the car I got in with her to check she was ok, she says the first thing I said to her after the accident was ‘fucking hell mate…..’ then started laughing.

Like some kind of unhelpful Super Hans character. When I think back I’m like what was I thinking??? But she said it was the perfect way to make her laugh and realise things could have been a lot worse. We now refer to the incident only as Smash City.

Day 4
4 bad things about you:
- I cannot fake my feelings, which can lead to me being a stroppy c*nt to people because I’m mad at them without telling them why
- I find it hard to express my feelings and conflict terrifies me = see above for result of this
- I take things WAY too personally and get mad at people when they never meant to upset me
- I am an UNREASONABLE drunken liability at times. Which times? Always times.

Day 3
3 ways to make you cry:

- make me really scared. When I’m scared my eyes start welling up with tears for NO apparent reason
- talk to me about something I’m upset about while I’m drunk… or don’t. unless you want to DROWN in my ridiculous tears.
- Shout at me. I Hate confrontation.

Day 2
2 ways to win your heart:

- make me a mix CD
- Make me a big fat breakfast :)


Day 1
1 thing you need to say:

- Everyone’s a winner with brinner.

EaTs F0r t0daY

I am at work.
Nothing much is occurring.

My lunch is in 12 minutes and I am seeeeeeeew hungreh.
I am hella JONESING for oatmeal and raison cookies.

but instead i'm getting slimfast. Today i think chocolate, because the sugarcravings are strong with this one.
Then at 5pm some snackajacks.

Then (as a payoff for all this hideousness) a BIG FAT dinner which i will eat in pajamas and big fluffy socks and watch the West Wing.
this will be it:


Quorn cheesy escalope





<>

Anya potatoes and butter



Asparagoose

 

Long and indulgent 'get to know me' survey

In CASE anyone's interested.
which i doubt.

But i'm bored at work and these last 2 hours aren't going to just use themselves up now are they!

Do you have any pets?

The Evil ONe

I have an evil cat. He is mostly white, with some black splodges and his eyes are made of yellow bogeys and crumbled up ginger biscuits.

What was the last book you read?
The last book I read in full was Drop City, about a commune of hippie brothers and sisters that moves to Alaska to set up and be self sufficient. Hilarity drama ensues. The description is breathtaking and its sexy, funny and inspiring.
But I pick up and drop books all the time to dip into my favourite bits.

Do you like to cook?

I love to cook. Best of all with a bottle of red wine on the go and Planet Rock on. Alice Cooper = we are not worthy!

Wine, cheese and hair metal are an underrated combo.

What's your favorite food?

ALL food is my favourite food! Cheesy pizza is amazing.

 Lots of stodgy pasta smothered in grated cheese. Mexican food! Covered in… le fromage de gloriosity. Thick chunky chips.

Mushy pea fritters.

(i gather these are a southern-england only chipshop delight...? I love them!!)

And Roasts. drowning in gravy. What’s better than a roast? However I don’t eat meat. Because I love god’s creatures bitchez.

Do you have brothers and sisters?

I have a brother, 2 years younger and waaay bigger than me. He’s like one of those chav-trendy types that only dresses in labels, and drives round in my mum’s turquoise Corsa blasting dubstep. Hella badass blad.

Which sport do you like?

Don’t be silly.

Do you live alone?

I live with my parents. Which I admit is both bogussed and sad. But I’m heading back to university in September.

Do you live in a house or an apartment?

House.

Have you ever lived in another country?

Never have… well. Technically… Wales. But the only real difference is that ear / here and year are all pronounced exactly the same. Oh and instead of mate they say ‘butt’. Freaks.

Have you ever met a famous person?

Kings of Leon! Backstage at their gig. Yeah. no big deal. *dies a little inside swooning at the memory of breathing their secondary air*

How do you spend your free time?

Drinking. Regretting the drinking I did. Travelling, camping, adventuring. I couldn’t name 5 current tv programmes.
Well I could, but it would make me do involuntary sick down myself and I’m wearing my favourite coral colour today.


Tell me about a favorite event of your adulthood.

I think if I could narrow it down to one I would be entirely depressed.

Tell me about a favorite event of your childhood.

I think if I drunk less I may be able to remember.

What are your hobbies?

I jog. A desperados attempt to reverse years of liver abuse and mindless devouring of fats, sugar and most of all cheese.

Gram and Keith RIchards

I dream about Gram Parsons and what it was like to know him. I cook a lot. If I’m not cooking I’m probably eating, and if I’m not eating I’m definitely thinking about food.

What countries have you visited?

I interrailled the year before uni and did lots of Europ, I haven’t been outside Europ much, but once I went to America, to the smallest sleepiest town I’ve ever known, where you still write your bowling scored down with a pencil, because apparently the last 50 years aren’t something which happened there… It was a school skiing trip and it was absolutely amazing.


Which country are you from?

England.


What do you do on Sundays?


Sometimes I work. But the best days I have roasts.


What do you do? What's your job?


I work in insurance. I will go no further as it will either make me fall into a coma of boredom or smash the keyboard. Both of which would be detrimental to this fine blog.


What is your motto in life?

Everyone's a winner with brinner



I had a little think to try to establish if I have anything better than that in the locker room… but. No.

It’s a foolproof doctrine my brothers.

What kind of food do you like?

ALL FOOD! Haven’t we done this bit already?

What kind of people do you like?

People who like to laugh, and people who are funny. But not in that kind of… ‘I’m going to keep wisecracking until I burst a blood vessel somewhere, because people. Must. Like. Me!!’

That makes me feel exhausted.

People who are kind and interested in other people. People who are relaxed. People who live for drama make me want to poke them in the eyes with forks.

Which languages do you speak?

English. Franglish (read: bad French).

What are you best at?

Adopting stupid words and expressions and infecting everyone else’s minds and lives with them.

I am the reason my friends say om-e-ley (in a crap French accent) instead of omelette, the reason my bed is now christened ‘the bants bed’, and the reason everyone (myself included) now calls my dad ‘Big Mick’.

Who do you respect the most?

Malcom Tucker. Because fear seems as good a reason as any for respecting someone.

And my grandad. He’s gone now but his crazy sense of humour and dignity until the very end set the bar for the kind of person I want myself to be.

Who has had the most influence in your life?

My old Ma and Big Mickster.

As much as I hate to admit it I have a lot of respect and admiration for them.

Would you like to be famous?

Are you joking?

You know when people go ‘and if you listen closely… you will hear the sound of- nobody caring!’

Gosh I love that sound.

What do you think you will be doing five years from now?

Much the same probably but hopefully with more figures in my salary and chickINs and goats to look after.

Are you a 'morning' or 'night' person?

Morning I think… my enthusiasm to get up and show the day who’s boss often results in me
drooling and snoring my way through films in the evening.

When do you feel best? In the morning, afternoon, or evening?

I guess the afternoon… I like the bit when you put something rousing on your i-pod and strut out
of work like- TTYL bitchezzzz!

How many times did you move as a child?

Once, but only across town. The only thing I really remember about my old house is that once when I was about 3 a breeze slammed the front door on my nude feet while I was waving bye to my dad. And also once waking up and listening to the sound from across the hall of my mum doing the longest wee I have EVER heard.

What kind of woman/man would you like to marry?

I don’t plan to marry, but for a life-parner; One who respects me is the most important criteria. Someone who makes me laugh every day. Someone who will get drunk with me, who doesn’t want children either and would rather have chicken lickens, goats and a vegetable garden and spend our spare pounds and pence on adventures and journeys.

What cartoon character best describes you?

Dee-dee from Dexters Lab!

If you could live anywhere in the world for a year, where would it be?

Berlin!

the most amazing city. So much history and so much buzz going on.

If you knew you could try anything and not fail, what dream would you attempt?

What does this even mean?? most dreams I have are weird and scary, 2 nights ago I got shot in the side by Irish nationalist terrorists and before that I was a fugitive from the law in a stolen car and ended up at some kind of free love-in with aged hair-metallers in leather waistcoats with massive hair. They all humped each other and played led zep riffs while I hid from the po-lice.

None of this in real life. please.

What super-power would you most like to have, and why?

Bernards watch please! That little shitbag totally wasted the privilege of that watch! If you had unlimited time while everyone else was frozen you could basically fulfil pretty much any other dream you wanted. I WANT IT.

Would you live with someone without marrying them?

I’m not getting married so that’s going to be a given!

Would you rather take pictures or be in pictures?

Be in pictures. I have a theory on all the people spamming the world via facebook and twitter with millions of ‘look-at-me-gurning-I’m-having-SO-bloody-much-fun!’ type pictures… when you’re having the most fun ever why would your first thought be- must grab my camera and take millions of posed pictures of all this FUN going on!

{how awesome is this by the way??? find the full article at: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/photos}

Are you a beach, country or city person?

Countryside. I love the green, green grass of home. And I don’t think goats like sand.

Where do you spend most of your money?

In various food and beverage establishments shovelling and pouring sweet nectar and cellulite-enducing munchables down my ever-greedy gullet.

so tell me about you ..............

PoWer To ThE VaGINa

Text to my friend on Saturday during a lunchbreak trip to the supermarket:

=The amount of shrieking, bald, infant-spawn in Sainsburys right now makes me want to cut off my own vagina. =

Text to my friend this morning:

= Monday mornings make me want to cut off my vagina.
Are we sensing a theme here...? My art has been commended as being strongly vaginal which bothers some men. The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. They don't like hearing it and find it difficult to say. Vagina. =

POWER TO THE VAGINA!

and to Maude Lebowski.

This is why i Love *Lady V.B*

she's BEAUTIFUL. and most of all in her scruffs,
(rather than the spiky feet, spiky hair and cQuTuuuuR£ dahling)


but mostly this:



I told (Snoop) 'Look Mr Snoopy, you're not taking my husband out, I know all about your reputation.'
"As if I'd let David go out with him. I don't think he liked me calling him Mr Snoopy, he didn't find it very funny."



Mr Snoopy
ahhh. <3<3<3!!



WHy I lOVe Sn0op-





“I keep hearing about mutha f***ing Harry Potter. Who is this mutha****er?”


literally. brilliant.
True say Snoop- who the f**k is he anyway???

SO. I HAve B1NNEd mY TumBlr

I joined tumblr looking for friends / people to chat to and have a laugh,

what i actually found was moaning, boring, fucking, boring, attention-seeking, whining, neurotic DULLARDS.

the kind of people who post things like "going thru and unfollowing everyone, none of your blogs interest me!"

or

"just lost three followers :( screw you then bitches, your loss"

seriously!!

i was under the impression that blogging was a means of expressing yourself... not some kind of fucked up popularity contest where everyone has the right to judge eachother and be total c*nts just because its The Internet and you don't actually ever have to face these people.

Its kind of a bummer as lots of the blogs i did follow seemed to be by genuinely nice, cute people with interesting things to say, but the immaturity of people just did my head in wAAAAy too much for it to actually be worth it.

So. Tumblr. you're a great cheerleader. But you're just not.... boyfriend material.

buh buye.

This Is mine ~* as of Saturday

i fucking love it!
im calling the skulls shenzi, banzai and Ed.
After the three hyenas in the Lion King.



Also my Papi gave me this tee from Peggy Hanson's cypress cowboy t-shirt store



He had it shipped from americcey and it WAS a man's large, but he shrunk it down with all his wearing love so now its too small for his shapely mammories it is aaaaaaaaall MINE!
now GIT up OWN my small puppies beautiful new teeshirt :)

i am mucho happy as Gram Parsons is my F@V£ R@V£ . ever ever ever.

Kelly O Is Sexxsi

A post devoted to Kelly O looking SMOKING,

everyone needs to stop spraying hate all over every picture that ever turns up of her on the internet!!!

it mek me mad.

she is just a girl trying to live her life like all the rest of us, what happened to “Trust, respect, honor, solidarity, and secrecy.” [i totally loved Sorority Row....... and yes i am a HEINOUS loser. what of it?]

she's a teeny little pixie!

And even without slap.

peachy.

i am Weiuuurdly Obsessed with this (non) couple

i literally don't know why. but i want them to get back together because I want to stalk their lives.

He = is just. FUCKING. Rwaaaaarrrrw.

anyone with eyes can verify that.

She= is a little more cuntravershall. The whole world seems to think she's a gopher faced waste of a life, without having ever met her... and i'm not sure.

she might be totally ok.

but basically i want her life.

and i like pictures of her where she looks pretty.

so i'ma give that bitch the benefit of the doubt, and quietly stalk her existence.