oh yeah-

as part of holding up my end of a deal made at the weekend....

this is my stoopid friend Jerry:

he is pictured with some cheese in this picture, as if that somehow makes him a real person.

Yeah. Right.

anyway, UGH he is totally the worst, and nobody should follow him on his blog: Woolley On Wheels

I am telling you this as a friend because I once fell for his trap, and became a follower of his blog, and let me tell you........ IT WAS THE WORST DECISION I EVER MADE!! i cannot even begin to talk about it as it is still too recent and painful.

but Jerry if you read this........ I hope you take a long hard look in the mirror young man!!

A swellegant weekend.

Well, this weekend i have surely outdone myself in disgusting untempered consumption of all that is braincell-bursting and cellulite-beckoning.

I would propose some kind of detox but if i was such a crushing bore as that i would probably just kill myself now and have done with it.

On Friday my freen D from home and Charlie came up to my uni house, we had a party in which i got entirely spangled on gin and monster energy, interspersed with bursts of tequila slammers with cinnamon and orange slices.

We watched Pink Floyd live in Pompei on a big projector screen in a room full of vile smog, and i ended up sitting like a spiral eyed deranged audience member in the basement at the feet of boys playing guitars and drums.

Saturday i woke up and vomited,

i must have still been drunk because i remember standing in the kitchen swigging juice from the carton and telling my housemates ‘i just puked pure coke. It was quite nice actually, sweet. Kind of like drinking coke but in reverse.’

They seemed disturbed by this particular piece of honesty, for some crazy reason…

After this my other friend arrived and we went to the German Christcringle market! which as it turns out, is an entirely dangerous place to drag a hangover to.

Drinking wheat beer and devouring various goods, all of which have been deep fried to within an inch of their life, will never Not be a good hangover cure.

Later was the Rum Diary and a homemade curry before crawling into bed, this time in actual pajamas (success!) and with makeup removed (double success, boom chica wah wah).

Today belonged to breakfast tequila, a fry up with cumin potatoes, a Caribbean Christmas fair, mars bar and toblerone flavoured fudge, ale and pies at the Hop, and my friends kidnapping me onto the train back home with them

(they had a spare free ticket due to their (read: Charlie’s) own stupidity which i am taking off their hands).

So i will now be home til Wednesday. I took exactly 13 minutes to confirm this plan and throw uncoordinated items into a bag.

Phone charger and makeup remover are among the things i have already noticed i’ve forgotten.

Stuffing my face with salt and vinny peanuts, dark rum, hurtling towards London and hoping for the best!

WHY do I keep listening to T-Pain and Lily Allen?

singing an awful awful song

which seems to be about booty calls.

and disrespECful menz who don’t treat their womens right. 

in fact ‘singing’ is a bit of a GEN word considering its just T-pain repeatedly vomiting into an autotune machine. 

And being driven round in a rickshaw (??? why?)

and staring at prozzers (no offence sex-workers of the world)

plus T-pain has a see-through phone.

And is called fricking ‘T-PAIN’ !

and i am watching this because………………..?

ah yes. 

i remember. 

How to stick at an article when its SO unmanageably dull that your eyes keep sliding off the page...

This is like: my life. for all of times, at the moment. 


So here are my top tips to get you through this difficult time! It kind of only really applies if you're a politics (or maybe fashion) student... but nevertheless, heed these words of wisdom, 
and when you graduate with honours because you're so brill and go on to a life of success, be sure to please give me a job in your evil empire (i.e. food taster to check for poison or chair warmer plz). Chars!


1- gather all that you will need, and arrange it some kind of abstract design (to later kick and smash down when insanity sets in) around your desk. 
Close all your windows and nail up your door, we're doing this Rents' cold turkey-style

(Suppositories optional)

Be sure to put the nails on the wrong bit of the door so it will still open, otherwise the toilet situation might get tricky, and your children will forever have to stare up into the face of a man who once crapped into a takeaway bag. 

2- Drink coffee. Lots of coffee. Coffee until you can't remember who you are. 

As a test stare into a mirror, if you can cope with this without attempting to headbutt yourself = MORE. 

coffee is like liquid payattention.

3- Be horrifically rude, personal, bigoted and creepy towards absolutely everyone on your facebook, 

so that everybody deletes and blocks you

 and you are unable to waste hours of your life stalking people you completely hate and would run away from if you saw them in the street, in case they tried to be 'actual friends'   

4- develop deep admiration for a dubious career / personal role  model. 

Print off their picture and stick it somewhere prominent on your desk.

Blank out all dubious aspects of their personality and opt instead for creepily fixated love.

Stare at the picture (try not to get lost in their beautiful dead evil soulless Scottish eyes), think about how deliciously ruthless they are and remind yourself that they would not be sitting here questioning themselves, they

would be kicking that article's pages up and down the corridoors of power, laughing manically all the while.

With this deeply moving inspirado under your belt- back to the grindstone!

5- THIS.

Happy studies Malchickiwicks!

Offering your womb to people is totally not weird.

Binge drinking failed lesbian intellectual WLTM someone with similar interests and VGSOH for LOLZ

"intelligent individuals are more likely to engage in evolutionarily novel behavior. Since the consumption of modern alcoholic beverages - including binge drinking and getting drunk - is evolutionarily novel, the Hypothesis would predict that more intelligent individuals are more likely to engage in it, and the empirical data from the UK and the US confirm it." ... yeah. that'll be that then!

this picture was taken in a gay club (where i ditched our Society Ball to go hang out #obvs.) I failed to pick up any gays, despite my friend (who is gay) grabbing hold of various lesbians and steering them in the direction of my face. *sigh* #Straightgirlproblems

Charolastras

This week I have been mostly languishing in bed socks and pajama tops indoors. Drinking tea, and staring down the barrel of a computer or pen.


I don't know if so much time spend interned has had the effect of making me dreamy, and imprisoned in my own girlish mind, like the girls in the Virgin Suicides.

So far nobody has yet called me just to play a record down the phone.


in an attempt to live vicariously through others (healthy) I've been reading Freak Out! My Life with Frank Zappa, by 'Par-lene' Butler


I also like to keep a copy of Pamela Des Barres' (= Original Band Aid and Groupie Goddess Extraordinaire) book I'm with The Band on my person as often as possible.
I know it well enough now that I can pretty instantaneously flip to the best bits

(Keith Moon getting Jekylled up in lingerie and heels in Frank Zappa's pool house- Pamela's home, popping pills like smarties and lunging between frenzied prowling of her body and inconsolable paranoid tears for hours on end /












Pamela throwing roses from the audience at greasy-quiffed, mumbling, cowboy Waylon Jennings, resulting in him having a good go at 'shoving her through the wall' before tipping his hat like a good southern boy and clicking off on his heels into the night)  


and gorge my lascivious heart to its content.


It's all making me wish for the 70s, when the kind of 'apple-catchers required' skirts I like to wear were probably if anything too long, and Cosmic American Music was just being born.


So like the good christian girl I am I have compiled my list of top 5 cosmic american charolastras to cram into my Bill and Ted time machine phonebox with me for a few hours:


1- Gram Parsons

The prophet of cosmic american music. Kind of like an olden days Pete Doherty, he was an old fashioned Southern State hot mess, coming from old money and alcoholism and then some. Everyone I've ever heard describe him had tried to save him. It's the story that keeps on repeating.


I would do ANYTHING to get to sit on the edge of this boy's bath. or just like... drink his bathwater. I wouldn't even care that he was a massive junkie (which i gather makes you kind of unclean / boring / incapable). I love a project.


2- Chris Hillman

Has a healthy moustache like a grown up man. But little.

 Plus fuzz hair is the hottest to chew on. 

He and Gram used to live together in Los Angeles (before it went shit and got full of vacuous, celery crunching, biscuit coloured, taking-their-tiny-rat-dog-to-the-pet-therapist, bubble-headed morons) while they were in the Flying Burrito Brothers together.


Imagine the DNA you could steal snooping round that house. Imagine the whiff of bromance everywhere. Its making my ovaries need to explode so moving on.....


3- Frank Zappa

He is of Italian extraction. Italian-ness is an important element in my future happiness- (see here).


plus this: "He answered politely and I felt somewhat reassured until he pulled me close and pressed my head against his shoulder. We continued talking in a lighthearted, jokey way while a thousand incoherent worries niggled in my mind. He leant down and brushed the base of my neck with his moustache and i scrunched up my shoulders and giggled. That set him off and he began tickling me all over...
Somehow in the thrashing about he found my lips and kissed me. 
'So Par-leen' he said at last, 'do you think if we fucked you could still work as my secretary?'"
enough said. 


Plus 'I Promise Not to Come in Your Mouth' is possibly the greatest song title of all time. for a song with no lyrics.


4- The GTOs. All of them

You get compliments, sleep overs, boob-rubs, gossip, companionship, kisses,

drinking buddies, No cock-based pressure, and like a billion lunatics to scrounge clothes and makeup from.
WAY better than any boyfriend.


5- Robbie Robertson

A SILLY amount of hot to be inside one man. And one name, recycled!
Plus he was in The Band,
and by the looks of things they knew EVERYONE.

p.s HOW cute (read: wasted) is Neil Young in this video? guhhhsh.
p.p.s. HOW much of an uptight librarian is Joni Mitchell? its almost like she doesn't like to have a spangled Neil Young leering down her cleavage and breathing vile drug stink all over her.... what's that about??

Everyone should eat this until they feel sick. I am sharing my recipe so that this can happen.

Veggie lasagne Recipe:

Ingredients:-

- 1 onion

- 1 pepper (any colour you like)

- Half a large courgette

- 1 medium carrot

- Half a large aubergine

- 1 pack Beanfeast (Bolognese flavour)

- 1 tin of chopped tomatoes

- Three tablespoons of tomato puree

- 1 small glass of red wine

- Dried basil

- Ketchup

- Sugar

- Plain flour

- Butter or margarine

- Milk

- Cheddar to grate

- Lasagne sheets


Red Sauce

• Start by dicing all veggies into small cubes. They should be around half a cm cubed.

• Pour a big glug of cooking oil into a pan and turn on the heat, chuck one piece of the diced onion in, when this starts to sizzle throw in everything else.

• Shake three big shakes of dried basil into the pan and stir until it disperses and coats all vegetables. Continue until soft.

• Once veg is soft pour the red wine into the pan. Be careful here and do it slowly, the veg should not be completely covered, it should just be sitting in basically a puddle of wine. Stir! Until wine is pretty much gone.

• Empty the entire pack of beanfeast into the pan and stir until coated in the oil and basil.

• Pour in the tin of tomatoes, then fill the empty tin with water from the tap and add this. Stir. The water level should be a good few cms above the beanfeast mix. Keep simmering this for 20 mins, and top up when water disappears. Do not top up during the second 10 mins as we want the mix to be thick and sticky. If you want to keep simmering and topping up until everything else is ready it is only to the benefit of the flavours so go for it! If you are impoverished like me and want to save cooker-juice just cover and let it sit.



White Sauce

• Throw a big chunk of butter or margarine into a pan and turn on the heat. There should be around 2 tablespoons of butter.

• Once the butter is melted, using a desert spoon slowly feed in flour stirring continuously.

It will start by making a kind of porridgey consistency, keep going, it should end up as a shiny dry-ish dough which forms into a ball. It should be approximately golf ball sized.

• One the dough is fairly dry start to slowly pour in milk feeding about a shot glass worth at a time. Be sure to STIR HARD. Watch the consistency go back through wet dough to thick sauce.

• When you can drag the flat end of a spoon across the pan, and the dough parts like the red sea – it is done!

• Grate chedder and chuck in as much as you like, depending on how cheesy you want it.



Assembly

• Halve the red sauce and spread into the base of the pan.

• Lay lasagne sheets on top to cover completely. Break up sheets into mosaic pieces to fit into your chosen dish.

• Halve the white sauce and pour gently over the sheets. Be careful to keep moving the pan as you pour to avoid a giant blob weighing down the lasagne sheets.

• Repeat with more red sauce, sheets and white sauce.

• Grate cheese (as much as you like) onto the top of the final layer of white sauce.

• Slice brie thinly and lay this scattered over the top.

• Bake in the over for approximately 30 mins. When the cheese is melted and bubbling and a brown crust forming on the top – it is done!

Eat with garlic bread to mop up any juices, and salad.

coffee bitch

Earlier I went to Morrisons and purchased a GIGANTIC jar of coffee for like £1.50.

Just gleefully preparing myself a bowl / vat with which to spike my study proactivity,

and realised that the reason for such joyous pricing is most likely due to super-unfair-traid and because I am robbing some poor coffee grower’s child of his dinner. 

I feel AWFUL.

but seeing as i’ve already funded this wrongdoing (damn you morrisons you seductive bastard! *shakes fist*) my plan is to TRIPLE my coffee intake, in order to power through this stuff, then run straight out and buy twice this amount in fairtrade coffee. 

#RIGHTINGWRONGSFUCKYEAH

Water damage

So. my laptop binned it. For (what I consider to be) undeserved reasons.

i.e. I threw water over it. It was on the floor next to my bed and in an asleep /drunk /hungover panic/freakout I couldnt work out what the noise coming from my alarm WAS or what it wanted. This provoked flailings of a quite unprecedented degree to try to stop the noise, and resulted in a cup of water sailing off my bedside table onto my bed [boo] and my laptop [double boo].

so i cannae update from home anymore. or do my uni work. or stalk other people on tumblr. or make irresponsible purchases from ebay. or look at porn.

MY LIFE IS RUINED.

I started writing a post about reasons why life was sucking big balls:

1- I killed my laptop. Meaning i cannot watch shitty films, obsessively scroll peoples blogs for hours, watch videos of McFassy and lay in bed crying from lustful confusion over whether i want Michael Fassbender to do me or James Macavoy more… in short all my natural resources have been cruelly snatched away and i may no longer spend my precious free hours lying in my own filth and thermal longjohns if i actually want to BE ENTERTAINED. I will have to go to the living room and socialize. URGH.

2- my sex partner and bff has left the region after a weekend visit. And he is the only one i can make do what i say via demands / sexual bribery.

3- Its cold and i have a runny nose which is now sore due to constant sniffing / liquid acid snot erosion.

4- I have failed to eat anything since a slice of toast this morning, except 2 fizzy drinks and a pack of frosties (hard sweets with a chewy centre perfect for becoming lodged between teeth). my teeth now hurt and are possibly eroding.

update since i started this whine-fest ….. THE LAPTOP IS BAAAAACK!

I am sorry that i ever doubted my housemate’s brilliance in suggesting that i just ‘wait and dry it out’.

Earlier today i was thinking that its actually been kind of a blessing in disguise as i cant waste allocated study time mindlessly re-reading blogs and lurking ebay.

Who was i kidding??? slutever.com get back in my loving arms

Eskimoes

sitting in my room wearing a pajama top, hoodie with hood up, dressing gown over the top, jeans, thick bed-socks and slippers.

Every time someone knocks on my door I throw off the dressing gown in a panic and go answer like ‘oh hey, yeah, i’m just a normal person chillin’ in a hoodie. Definately not a cloaked, be-dressing gowned freak stalking the corridors of this ice castle’

URGH. 

so cold!!!

recruiting a PR

Me: i'm..... *kind of* a genius. but i don't like to brag.
except for when im being EXCEPTIONALLY STUPID anyway

Cat: but thats just a distraction from your immense cleverness

Me: I like you. i would like to employ you as my PR person. game?

Cat: i would do very well as a pr person. how much wld u pay me

Me: £4.50 a day + a fuck budy per day who will pay for all your food via dates / letting you eat breakfast off his stomach etc

Cat: sounds perfec

Me: the £4.50 is for other necessities such as tampons / shampoo / blockbuster fines etc.

Cat: may have to wax his stomach but im sure hell be into that

Me: i will pay all other costs such as going out / perving over Alec baldwin,
because i will be partaking in such activies also
and will need my PR person present for when I get ejected from cinemas for licking the screen etc
plus 2 weeks holiday
plus sick pay - in the form of lockets thrown at your face
lockets are quite expensive you know

ANYWAY stop rambling on at me you weirdo I have to go out!
I love you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

also is it weird that Alastair Campbell gives me a total boner?

i have his diaries on audiobook and its like Fran from Black Books and the shipping report. *sigh*.