Things I Learnt While at Home Visiting my Faminals.

1- my mother is a would-be murderess / potential merciful angel of death

. apparently she is just ironing out some kinks in the details with regards to not getting caught.

Comforting. wouldn't do to have a murderous beast in the family if on top of that she got locked away in prison as well. Who would do my ironing? 

2- When it comes to your siblings you are never too old to use farts as a weapon

3- the prices in Lidl are the last bastion of continuity in our ailing world. 

The 18p noodles remain 18p since I last went there when i was doing my undergrad.

We actually lived on the same road as a Lidl back then and i went in so much that the guy who worked on the counter decided this must be evidence that i was in love with him and gave me his number.

and by ‘so much’… i mean like it got to a stage where once a day was a restrained amount to be going. Mostly in pajamas. to buy popcorn and cloudy lemonade.

4- commuters are the absolute POND SCUM of the earth. 

I am hesitant to generalise this statement to include all of them, as my dad is actually a commuter and i love him very much (he gave me the gift of life i guess so fair play)

But i was almost knocked over multiple times trying to cross London Victoria station, by suit-wearing, briefcase brandishing fucking arsehole Smithers-Jones’ who apparently had a greater right than anyone else to barge their way onto the train first, so they could rush home to their awful wives they probably hate and have Marks and Sparks fish pie and socks-on, lights-off ‘intercourse’ before newsnight. URGH. 

5- I have purchased a knitted poncho. and i can confirm that it is literally impossible to be unhappy while wearing a poncho. 

Also the poncho has met with nothing but antipathy and hate since I bought it. But i am channelling David Crosby… and the sound of all the fucks not being given can be heard from miles around!