why what's up hun?? x

I used to be much more tolerant about the people i let infest my news feed. But now i am straight off deleting:

1- anyone who thinks its the height of wit and hilarity to comment ‘gay’ on peoples statuses and pictures.

Yeah… that’s not ok! did the last 50 years not happen to you??

2- anyone who is moronic enough to put up statuses to the effect of ‘Clarkson is a LAD.’

3- Anyone who posts pictures with the camera held at arms length of them and their latest significant other mashing their lips together like greasy walruses. 

4- mindless NOM NOM NOM-ers. 

I’m sure that was funny and original once. for like a second. 

5- People who write weird angry/ threatening statuses to ‘nobody’

like, “literally can’t believe some people… screw you bitch!”

omg. fierce babes. totally get that rage on the page. Just be sure not to mention who you’re talking about, or bother to confront them face to face about it, that way it might get sorted… and then what are you going to fill your fb statuses with??

This is one of the type of ‘wats up hun? x’ statuses that make me want to HURT PEOPLE!

The ultimate in dangling out your emotions on facebook like a juicy dangler, trying to hook someone that actually gives a crap.

anyway, hope this advice helps with how to not be a total loser! 

Merry Christmas!

Amerikeens

i made this present for my friend who is going to spend christmas with his girlfriend’s parents (meeting them for the first time) in California:

“Someone told me you’re going to see Jenny’s family at Christmas? 

i think it was that Dunph lunatic that i’ve seen wandering the corridors of life. I hope you have a nice time! Is it going to be warm there? are you going to be the stereotypical american enjoying christmas in bermuda shorts with a bud and medallions in your chest hair? pretty much sounds like you i have to say.

do Americans wear medallions in their chest hair? 

I’m not sure. I’ve only really got Saturday Night Fever to back up this assumption… but i’ve always thought of that as being pretty representative of american culture as a whole.

You can print this picture out and take it with you as reference to help you fit in.”

That boy is gonna do SWELL.

That's just like... the rules of feminism

So, despite the fact that I predict it will make me obscenely angry / then depressed / then feel incredibly fat and inferior because i don't look like a bratz doll / then angry again, i am planning to watch Friends with Benefits tonight 

(I feel obliged to stipulate that this is NOT an activity in itself, i just plan to put it on while i get on with some wee jobs.) 

I envisage that the end bit where they inevitably ruin everything fall in love and become disgusting saps will besmirch the whole thing, 

but i’ve seen some ace quotes from it, i.e:

and:

"I really have to stop buying into this bullshit Hollywood cliche of true love. Shut up, Katherine Heigl, you stupid, little liar!"

lol.

Anyway anything that allows me to watch Mila Kunis dry humping in fleshies in a film studio for 2 hours 

(unfortunately with some squirrel that used to be in N'sync -i will be covering his face with my thumb throughout any porno parts) 

is fine bah me. 

ah Mila. with her lovely hair and face. *sigh*

anyway, i was wondering, why is it that women in films that Don't Need Men are always characterised as: 

• ball-breaker due to screwed up past who eventually comes to her senses and gets herself a ring on it

•  Careerist with emotionally screwed up past - who finally comes to her senses.... etc.

• 'ugly girls' who 'come to their senses' when they 'get pretty'

• unhinged

I prefer this girl:

in 27 dresses. (yes i have seen it. THE SHAME)

"Hey, do you want to come over to my place before the party? Some of the guys from shipping are coming, and they're bringing tequila and bubble wrap."

"Are you kidding? The only reason to wear this monstrous dress is that so some drunken groomsman can rip it to shreds with his teeth."

Jane: "George appreciates me for who I am! "
Casey: "What good is it being appreciated if no one is naked?"

yes. yes. and yes.

My to-do list for today

i aim low






edit: I failed to do a single ONE of these things. suck it to-do list, you're not the boss of me!

T£CHNOFEAR

Today I have to upgrade my phone.

it has been a worthy foe over the years, 

and i shall surely miss it.

For example the way it used to take messages i was trying to send to someone and just pick someone at random from my phonebook that it felt to be more deserving of the message and send it to them instead,

thankfully (and strangely miraculously consider we are talking my life here) i never got caught out inappropriately sexting (LOL i don't really do that) or bitching and whining about someone and how their face and life makes me want to hurt them (Lol i TOTALLY do that).

So bon courage phone, alas we hardly knew ye!

The BIG failure and horror about this whole situation is the fact that I have to get a new phone, and when I try to buy phones it usually goes something like this:

Me: 'uh. i want a phone that... um, you can take pictures?'

Orange Saleskid (we shall call them Agent Orange): 'yeah, they all do that these days.'

Me: 'huh. well, i want one where I can set my own music as like, the ringtone and alarm and stuff.'

Agent Orange: *slowly cottoning on that they are dealing with a moron* 'yes. ALL phones do that.'

Me: *beginning to sweat and panic due to social awkwardness of having to engage with someone for this long* umm... *scans phones attached to desk with string wildly and bolts towards nearest one*

'This one? is this one any good??'

Agent Orange: 'I'll power it up so you can have a play'

Why do they say that?? 

'power it up' like its some sort of flux capacitor...

'have a play' like we're just two normal people having an apparently casual discussion about buying phones.

What is the meaning of all this madness??

by now Agent Orange has returned with the phone, so i can go through the rigmarole of turning it on and jabbing wildly at buttons, 

making reassuring noises like, 'uh huh' 'ahh, so this is this...' and 'but how do i...? ah yes. yes, i see' 

to try to disguise the fact that i have no idea whats going on, and regardless of this fact will never read the manual and opt instead to treat my phone with a mixture of fear and contempt until I am due for my next upgrade which I assume will solve all of life's problems. 

So this is where i head off to this afternoon. 

I am wearing extra eyeliner 

in an attempt to look feminine, so that if the Agent Orange is a man / chauvinist pig he will assume that my tiny woman's brain cannot possibly cope with the complexities of selecting a phone and just point at one so i can snatch it up and run off into the distance, laughing and playing polyphonic ringtones into the still dusk air. 

Things I need to stop doing

- not getting dressed until well after mid day

- using not leaving the house as an excuse for no makeup

- using no makeup as an excuse for not leaving the house

- being in love with people that are dead. (unhelpful in terms of internet and physical stalking. i do however harbour plans to stalk Gram Parsons to room 1 at the Joshua Tree Inn where he died. Even in death he cannot escape my creepy love!)

 

- giving people unimpressed death-stares when they frustrate and annoy me (so this is basically everyone, all of the time), in case the strain gives me contributes to ever growing legion of premature wrinkles

- listening to 5 O’clock by T-Pain and Lily Allen, when it (in between busting sick moves) makes me so very very angry and disgusted 

- listening to it so loudly that people who are not in room can almost definitely hear well enough to judge me in a manner that i entirely deserve

- being of the opinion that any skirt that skims lower than the southern point of the vagina is too long and thus ‘frumpy’

- forgetting to perv at ugly naked guy in the house window opposite

- assuming that when I throw up from hungoverness people want details on exactly what was expelled from my body, complete with positioning on ‘my favourite and least favourite pukes of all time’ scale

- drinking wine out of cardboard cartons which are so shamefully cheap i actually feel possessed to leave the house and walk to a nearby park to dispose of the evidence in a public bin, to avoid the judgement of just putting it in the recycling

(i’m not actually going to do this. it all sounds like totally too much hard work. i’ll probably just scribble over the carton with a sharpie until the shameful details are mostly obscured. is sharpie ink recyclable?)

Dan PetRescue

i just watched a minute long video of various cats meowing.

pretty much like this

Sometimes i worry about myself.

But then i just use the noise of dem kittehz to block out those interfering voices