Do i scare you? Do you want me to?: June 2011

Thursday, 23 June 2011

These are MINE!

I got the both of them from Office for £30. mwahahahahaha.
My favourites are the buckle boots. But my OTHER favourites, are the studded brogues.
I am mucho happy.

Russell Brand Radio Show

Matt: " has your stylist seen them?"

Russell: "eeeeer, actually she bought them. So..."

Matt: "She didn't!"

Russell: "She bought them and she sent them on a bicycle or summing."

Matt: "I bet she went ahead of you, thought oh, Russell's going shopping, saw them and thought oh my god he'll like those.... bought them, went to the coast to throw them in the sea and you bumped into her and went "Oh Sharon yoohoo! oooh what are they?"

Russell: "Oooh buckle boots!"

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Revamping the van. Re-VAN-ping if you will.

The land of my fathers, the land of my choice,

The land in which poets and minstrels rejoice;

WELSH NATIONAL ANTHEM

sO......
today I am whiling away the hours of ~~trying~~ failing to answer the phone convincingly with ‘how can i help?’ - (when actually the last thing i want to do is help anyone of these basterds, i just want to get out of here and go swimming!! then eat me some delicious FUD. 4.5 hours to go… 4.5 hours to go….!)by planning my impending trip to Wales

EXCITEEEEDDDDD.

me and my partner have been renovating his van, its a Nissan Vanette
like this little fella:

We have taken out all the back and cleaned it and sanded until all the paint stripped,

then put on a primer and a new coat of white. My partner has sewed a space blanket to a wool blanket with fairy lights threaded through it (sanding AND sewing… perfect new age man. <3) for the ceiling. And our next project is to build some kind of fold up bed for the back.

He has the tools and the expertise, I will be a scrappy-doo style sidekick, bashing in nails and sanding and stuff. We have until July 12th to get it all done…… then its us and the open road!

we’re going to sleep in coastal carparks, sometimes on campsites, cook on our little gas stove and make beautiful memories :)

I can’t wait!!!!

only problem is living in the back of a van gives me approximately 2m x 1m x 1m for snuggly clothes, shoes and makeup.

i shouldnt need makeup to go into the wild. but i am a VAIN MORON. what if some passing seals judge me on my uneven complexion and large pores?? i’ll never live it down.

First we rip out its innards!

Then scrub it clean.

then we sand.........

and a shiny new lick of paint!

Stay tuned for more ..............................

Saturday, 18 June 2011

On the front cover of Reveal

Cheryl Cole: COMFORT EATING AND CRYING IN BED!

well jeez that sounds like a weekend treat to me. perhaps she might like to do a swap and go into my work for me tomorrow instead...?

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

WhY can'T THIS eVer HappeN iN mY L1Fe ????

or this?

look at this guy at the bottom. That would be me and then some.

Sc0tt P1lgr1m

Ok.... so as ever i am about a million years late to the party with this one. Whenever films come out and everyone raves about them i go: CHUh. YEah.
Then watch them about 6 months later and go:
OMIGOD THIS IS LIKE THE BEST FILM HAS ANYBODY SEEN IT???
*cue general silence and one eyebrow raised 'where the fuck have YOU been?' looks from rest of the world*

but.

OMIGOD i really really enjoyed this film!

here are some general observations.

- Ramona Flowers i.e. Mary Elizabeth Winstead has the BIGGEST crazy beautiful EYES

--> see

- Michael Cera is like an adoreable fawny coloured baby wolf.

- in the out-takes it takes him 33 takes to throw a box over his shoulder into a wastepaper bin.
i couldnt believe this so i set up a controlled experiment with my friend to see how many goes it would take me. it took 4. i don't think he was good at sports at school.

- Jason Schwarzman is amazing and I love him.

- the filming and effects are so lovely on this film, when people kiss or fall in love hearts swirl out from their heads, and when they play instruments a noisewave comes out like this= d-d-d-d-d-d (for a baseline)

..... i'm totally not even explaining this well so i doubt it even makes any sense! but it looks AWESOME.

- The way Ramona's eyes go when she looks at Gideon are how every girls eyes should go when they look at their boy.

- Knives Chau is the BEST NAME.

- Hands down my favourite line:
"you know the girl with hair like this?"

"yeah?"

Other factors in making my evening a beaut was :

half of this

Dominoes Reggae Reggae vegetarian pizza

Vegetarian Supree-mmmmmmm

and 2 of these babies.

BEER AND PIZZA IS THE MOST AMAZING THING.

I try to run for between half an hour and an hour every day, and I love it because it means i can spend my evenings wildly ingesting, but my arse does not start to envelop the world. WIN

both RUbBisH anD crEepY

http://www.3am.co.uk/take-that-leave-manchester-concert-with-matching-robes-and-flasks/28004/

matching robes. and flasks.
what tha fuck this is so high-lariously tragic. are they trying to look like boxers rather than doddering elderly boyband losers??
and what's in the flasks? since when did they become a hot accessory?

HA. ridiculous.

Look at Mark Owen[ actual embarrassment that i actually know any of their names ..]'s face!! he looks like a hobbit / Gremlin.

RANG. (a new word me and my friend made up to accumulate both rank and wrong).

WHY BE DENNY DIFFERENT???

Ever since i listened to the Adam and Joe podcast yesterday morning where they spoof Rebecca Black
[02/04/11 podcast - you can get it free on itunes. AND YOU SHOULD]

i have had the real Rebecca Black song stuck in my head.

dsrhvngsthgiovugrfmgobhaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!

the cruellest twist of all is that its only wednesday.

p to the s. I totally fancy Adam Buckles' face.
its like a craggy old sea captain. like it makes total sense when he wears that captains hat. mmm.

welcome aboard sailor, now lets get you out of those wet clothes..

Monday, 13 June 2011

La Moss

http://www.3am.co.uk/kate-moss-drank-too-much-on-first-night-of-hen-do-and-was-too-ill-to-party/27967/

I literally so much want this to be true. because this would blatantly be me as well.

if anyone was ever deranged enough to attempt to put a ring on it.

also. HOW DOES SHE LOOK SO YOUNG? she must be a sophisticated sex robot from the future.
i'm into it.

The land of my fathers, the land of my choice, The land in which poets and minstrels rejoice;

I have just returned from Wales, the Welsh land of my fathers (sort of.... my Grandad's grandad was the major of Cardiff *polishes imaginary badge on chest*)

where i spent time with some of my very favourite loons.

I arrived on Friday and had to go find my friend who i was staying with, she was with another mutual friend, at the house of somebody we don't even know... as he is in the process of moving back to cardiff and has nowhere to live yet, so we just sat in this random guy's room looking at his empty takeaway boxes and other bizarre items including a frying pan containing one teabag..... (?) drinking pimms and talking about porn.

I miss the student life where this type of activity is completely standard

before we left the people who did actually live there invited us upstairs for a cheeky toke. I love how wherever you go stoners are exactly the same! the way whatever you say the response is - not quite 'far out' and a peace sign - but always wide eyed nodding to the effect of 'i feel you bro'.

weirdly comforting.

when i look at the whole heyday of the hippie movement i feel like i was born like... several generations too late. I watched Taking Woodstock recently and the images really affected me - like all the cars queued up to get in, all static, the kind of picture you see on the motorways of england every day, but instead of furious tooting of horns there were people playing chess on bonnets, dancing on the rooves to car stereos, talking, weaving in and out of the cars on foot, sharing food and drink.
it wasnt about a race, it was more like a shared experience, in which everyone is the same, and nobody better than anyone else.
like it wasn't the getting there that was important - more like the journey, and keeping it going even when the cars were static.

plus I LOVE FRINGING. i need a time machine. please. thanks.

ANYWAY - the rest of the weekend was so much fun and went by WAY too fast.
now i am back at work with a serious case of the manboobs

pic from damnyouautocorrect.com - go look! its BRILLyant.

Thursday, 2 June 2011

Loving the Media Coverage Of Cheryl Cole / sackgate

particularly loving the way they call her 'our Chezza', 'our geordie princess' and act (innappropriately) outraged and devastated on her behalf,

then proceed to tear apart every move she made and how it led to her eventual sacking, including helpful hints such as,

'FAILED TO GET A KILLER BODY'

'Having put on a few extra pounds since moving to the US by treating herself to fast food and chocolate

[as IF that skinny bint has ever even looked at a twix without immediately launching herself onto a cross trainer and statically fleeing herself thin again..]

her weight gain certainly did not go unnoticed.
This prompted questions as to how disciplined she'd really been with her workout sessions, in a country where high profile women are expected to be ~~disgusting aged skinned-chihuahua-looking chewed twiglets like Paula Abdul (btw eww what has HAPPENED to her??)~~ ultra slim and toned."

I literally love it!
am I the only one finding it completely hilarious?

Rebecca from Bridget Jones (aka. the jellyfish) anyone...?

'Sorry to hear about the X Factor gig Chezza-babes, i heard it was because you were too fat since you nearly died of malaria last year?? but never mind, have another snickers for your FAT FACE you Geordie piemuncher!'

I love the smell of schadenfreude in the afternoon.

Wednesday, 1 June 2011

I'm YoUr HUckleBeRRY

The fucking coolest line in the film Tombstone.

An exceptionally badass film.

Val Kilmer will NEVER be as hot as being Doc Holliday. I'm literally disgusted that he has even bothered to try all these years.

I saw a guy with 'I'm your Huckleberry' tattoo'ed along his arm, in curly script... but since I last saw it i can't find it again, even though i googled and googled.

I would love it tattooed on me. Because i think tattoos of writing are beautiful, and thoughtful.
The meaning behind i'm your Huckleberry is thought to be something like 'i'm the right man for the job',
but it's not so much the words that resonated with me when I watched Tombstone,

- more the delivery from Doc Holliday,
he was dying of TB and aware he didn't have that much time left... yet his delivery was always so slow and laconic, like it didnt matter to him if he got the sentence out before he copped it,
and if he did that was a bonus, but it didnt matter if he didnt walk away from the duel he'd just walked into with his lazy words 'i'm your huckleberry',

Someone who's so close to death has so much more truth, as they know they have little left to lose.

To live life like that...

SonGs FOr a BAd MooD

I googled songs for a bad mood and it came up with some hella lolz songs which I can only imagine are useful only in that: if you are on the edge of a potential suicide they would be enough to tip y'all off the edge into dirty old death.

Nickleback. Nickel. Back.
i can only conclude that this is some kind of high-larious joke, or the work of an insaniac sitting in their own faeces ramming knitting needles into their nasal cavities.

the other thing was a load of cheery cheery songs (i guess the purpose of which being to get rid of said bad mood ... but wheres the fun in that?)

so here is my list of songs, ones for when your mood can only be summarised by the famous quote by Bruce Robinson- originally from his best friend Vivian, the inspiration for Withnail from Withnail and I:

"My wife is having a baby!"

If there's a god, why are arses the perfect height for kicking?

1- The RAt ~ Walkmen
"You've got a nerve to be asking a favour, you've got a nerve to be calling my number,
can't you see me i'm bleeding on the wall..."
so desperate. and angry. and sexy.

2- I'm Not Angry ~ Elvis Costello
"I could hear you whispering as I crept by your door.

So you found some other joker who could please you more."

3- Pulp ~ Like a Friend
"You are the last drink I never should drunk.

You are the body hidden in the trunk.
You are the habit I can't seem to kick.
You are my secrets on the front page every week."

4- Lighspeed Champion ~ Deadhead Blues
"i know you're happy, and that's lovely,
it won't keep me... complete."

5- Bromheads' Jacket ~ Going round to Have a Word
"i don't understand what your fucking problem is, its like you're in your own world and only you exist."

6 - King Creosote ~ Marguerita Red
"i could be pouring my heart out, I still don't think you'd hear me"

7- The National ~ Runaway
"what makes you think i'm enjoying being left to the flood"

8- Mountain Goats ~ No Children
"I hope you die... I hope we both die"

9- Cold War Kids ~ We Used to Vacation
"I promised to my wife and children

I'd never touch another drink as long as I live
But even then it sounds so soothing to mix a gin and sink into oblivion"

10- The Cribs ~ Save Your Secrets
"You are far more likely

To be devoured
than empowered
By your sense of romance"

IsN't iT fUnNY wHeN...

you have been festering and stressing inside forEVEr then you finally force your stupid self to blurt something out and the second its done you realise that its all rediculaaarse and you feel like a total prick of a cock.

I have been totally this for the past forever...

Nessa: You ever coming back?
Stacey: Nessa, I'm back wednesday
Nessa: That's what Carol Powell told me.
Stacey: Who?
Nessa: Carol Powell. First best friend. She met a guy, jockey, his name was, Scottish. She went up, never came back down. Haven't seen her since '82. March 14th. I remember the date because we'd just been to see Gary Numan as St David's Hall. For all I know, She could have been sex trafficked out of here. I doubt it, mind. She's bigger than me

ShIT I diD La$t wEEkeND.

Delaaaaayed post!

Managed to completely avoid the R***l W*****g. which everyone in the country seemed to go inexplicably nuts for....

Elected instead to get shitfaced on white wine and watch Will and Kate the Movie.

It was fucking horrendous, even through the veil of booze. i kept my spirits up with the continual hurling of abuse and ridicule at the television... until my friend finally wrestled the remote out of my hand and put the Hangover on instead.

Woke up feeling like i'd licked a gerbils cage and shuffled off home, to assemble troops for our ninja bbq!
We all congregated at my house in our finest ninja attire. i was wearing black leggings, a black vest, and black knitted balaclava with eye and mouth-holes. My friend Jerry was wearing blue leggings, flowery y-fronts over the top, a ski poloneck, bandana, and child's bumblebee costume [on his head obviously]. The others were in varying states of ninja apparel.

My personal favourite touch was my friend D who had fashioned ninja death-stars by cutting chunks out of cds and tucking them into his belt. LEGEND!

this is the guy who when i specified a dress code of: 'highland chic' for a Burns Night party that evening turned up in a full length kilt. To this day i dont know where he got it. i have simply decided to accept that he is an international man of mystery. Another time when i had a pirate party he made labels for every one of the mini beer bottles in his 24 crate to say 'grog'.

ANYWAY- you get the idea!

so we happy bunch of ninjas gathered up our meat, and condiments and disposable barbecue and headed out into the countryside. To get there we had to walk through the sleepy village centre past all the octogenarians pruning their rhodedendrums (as if that's somehow the answer to something), but somehow we managed to avoid anyone calling the police (as far as i know... but anyway what the fuck would you call the police and SAY??), and out to our favourite spot by the river.

'Kiss me, won't you won't you kiss me...

Won't you wont you kiss me, lift me, right into this world'. Come together, Pr!mAl ScrEaM

once apon a time I went to see SCreamadelicie live, at the Brighton Centre on Tuesday 22nd March.

I was a magicaL day.

I ate:

Spicy lentils

Roasted squash and sweet potato

Scrummy hot mash with spinach/ kale

Platefuls of hot spiced, roasted and perfectly prepared veggies for the yummiest buffet in Brighton.
http://www.foodilic.com/#menu

I wore:

Black tights embroidered to look like suspenders with little black bows :)
my best hand-cut supershort denim hotpants, with pockets that hang out the bottom,
a plain black vest under
a sheer cropped top with short sleeves, printed with hundreds of tiny coloured flowers