Strictly business communications. OBVS.

From: Lauren ****me!!!****Sent: 18 April 2011 10:05
To: Bambi ***acquantance, friend, lover (strictly platonic due to her ladybits)***Subject:
Alright Mrs do you have much free time over the bank holidays coming up? I really need to see you! Everything is seeming like total sh1tb@lls [cheat the office fuckfilter with symbols!!] at the moment and I need to get out of this town before I finally crack and try to kill myself by slamming my head repeatedly in the photocopier. KNowwhatimean??

Miss you, hope all is well xxx
From: Bambi
Sent: 18 April 2011 16:07
To: me
Subject: RE:

I TOTES. Know what you mean…yeah man I am coming downnnnnnnn…whats ur plans satday and sat evening??keen for fun times with u xxxx
With Kind Regards,
Bambi
From: Lauren
Sent: 18 April 2011 16:21
To: BambiSubject: RE:

Thanks for the KIND REGARDS my lovely. Warmly received! Warmly received indeed.

I have to babysit Saturday night [read: tiptoe round silently while the babber is asleep, gorge on takeaway curry and spill red wine on the carpet] but I could be free in the day for some kind of rendez-vous if you are able to squeeze me in?

xxx

From: Bambi
Sent: 18 April 2011 16:38
To: Lauren
Subject: RE:

That’s a pleasure…how about Friday night and then chillage Saturday day or just chill Saturday day? Im easyyyyyyyy…like a Friday morning…
How comes things are £$%&balls atm?
Lots of wrestles and kisses xxx

From: Lauren
Subject: RE:
Hahaha that is so weird, people keep saying that to me! (I’m easy like ‘insert specified weekday’ morning)

Why??? Have they noticed I’m a massive ex-sl*t and are trying to make me feel better about aforementioned sl*ttiness ??
Does my general e-presence make people feel more liberated in the pants…? (I hope so!....)

ANYWAY. Whatever it is. I like it!

Urgh I dunno whats up lately, everything just seems heinous. I watched the hangover yesterday and nearly cried cos I was like…. If I got married and wanted to go to vegas and drink roofies and steal Mike Tysons tiger…… I wouldn’t have anyone to take with me cos I have no friends anymore! Waaaaaaa :-(

Seeeeeeeew. I am in a generally sh**b@lls frame of mind lately. I reckon Friday night is a go-er, my parents are away so if you’re coming down we can go out and go back to mine after.
I’ve been trying to hint *my loverboy* into taking me away on Thursday night to help me through this difficult time (the difficulties lie in me being such a heinous loser, which I think you will appreciate is a difficulty in any young woman’s life!)

I am feeling dubious as to the success of my campaign but if it happens……..
I can be back for Fri night for sure, however if you get a better offer or it’s not convenient don’t worry about cancelling and just doing Sat instead.

I am also easy. But more easy like that pr0zzer that slept with Wayne Rooney. Yum.

I am leaving in ten mins so I will pick up your reply tomorrow or text / fb me later. Love you xxx
I have since noticed what a rediculous wordvomit of an email that was. and i am ashamed.
back in my little box to watch the Hangover, weep, cram face full of cheese, and repeat.