Thursday, 28 April 2011

I really need to stop telling people to have sex with basketball players...



Gord: If I were you, I would go out. I'd have sex.

Julie: Oh, honey. No.

Gord: If I were you, I'd go out. I'd have sex with strange men. I'd have sex with basketball players. I'd have sex with Greeks. Men from Greece. I'd satisfy my urges. I'd satisfy my sexual desires.




Freddy Got Fingered is literally just the rantings of a mentally disturbed person as far as i can tell (from the multiple times i've watched it)
But its just SO. BRILLIANT!


as far as i can tell though that doesn't mean it is good advice to be given to friends who are recently single.......

Tuesday, 26 April 2011

Had anyone else totally forgotten Girls Aloud ever looked like this??




They actually have STOMACHS. and arms, made of real FLESH.


when did popstars stop being allowed to look like normal people?

Sunday, 24 April 2011

I am 22 years old


And poised on the bring of womanhood.




Yes. I am. I like to think i wont be a fully fledged adult til at least 25. so i have a few miles left in me of all-night whiskey binges. Monthly viewings of the Little Mermaid? Totally acceptable. Cute cartooned t-shirts from the kids section?– well go right ahead you fresh-faced little fledgling! I can still wear a tight tee with no bra (cheers to you my small boobie’d ancestry!) without looking like a sad caterpillar whose antennae are drooping down its front.

This aside, I am 22 years old and did not expect to watch a film last night that terrified me so badly I actually had nightmares. The film in question? No Country For Old Men. Winning four Academy Awards the year it came out, admittedly I’m a little late to the party… but this is a film that crawls in between your ribs, and leaves you with a strange uneasy feeling. The feeling after running hard, when your breathing slows back down, but your whole body is still prickling with adrenaline.

The film follows Lewellyn Moss, a hunter who chances upon a drug deal gone bloodily wrong. One man survives, he slumps wounded in the cab of a truck, gasping for water. Moss asks after the ‘ultimo hombre’, (the last man standing), then turns heel and walks away. A few hundred yards from the scene he finds him, dead, with a case holding $2 million.

From this point the film slows to a sickening crawl as Moss is pursued across Texas by ruthless psychopath Javier Bardem. Despite looking like half puma half Lego man awoken from the dead Bardem is TERRIFYING. Every innocuous word delivered in his laconic accented drawl is laced with danger. His coldness (checking his boots for blood as he stumps away from his latest execution), and relentlessness (briefly breaking the pursuit to perform self-surgery on a bullet wound), could be in danger of making him seem almost robotic… if he wasn’t so very human. The destruction around his eyes is enough to demonstrate this.









The film is full of kick-ass shots, a cashew nut wrapper slowly unfurling on a counter, observed as casually as the blood we see flowing across the motel room floor under Bardem’s carefully lifted boots. Still shots of punched out locks jolted me with more terror than any amount of gore I’ve seen played out in other pictures. The lack of music throughout builds a suffocating silence, making it all the more real.

The Coen Brothers have put together another superb thriller. While not entirely without gore the bloody imagery is not the focus, and the lack of a strings-based Horror Movie Soundtrack gives so much to the film, rather than detracting anything.
Bardem’s superb portrayal of Anton Chigurh will haunt my dreams for some time to come.

I would urge anyone to see this film, it really is outstanding.

Tuesday, 19 April 2011

I need to look like THIS








The teeny mini with the kinda shapeless wooly = inexplicably BEAUTIFUL.



My... [i have faced up to the fact that im going to have to refer to my partner on here, and i hate the b******** word.... for anyone over like 15, so i'm going to call him just: my Huckleberry.



(Anyone who doesnt know why obviously hasn't had their loins stirred by Val Kilmer in Tombstone... in which case - you haven't LIVED, go forth and do it immediately!!) ]








Anyway my Huckleberry totally has a jumper like this in green. which makes him look like Farmer Hoggett.




For his own good I think i'd best steal it, shrink it through neglectful washing, and spend about 7 years on a treadmill til my legs look like that.




I will be hot. like pol pot.

Strictly business communications. OBVS.

From: Lauren ****me!!!****Sent: 18 April 2011 10:05
To: Bambi
***acquantance, friend, lover (strictly platonic due to her ladybits)***Subject:
Alright Mrs do you have much free time over the bank holidays coming up? I really need to see you! Everything is seeming like total sh1tb@lls [cheat the office fuckfilter with symbols!!] at the moment and I need to get out of this town before I finally crack and try to kill myself by slamming my head repeatedly in the photocopier. KNowwhatimean??

Miss you, hope all is well xxx

From: Bambi
Sent: 18 April 2011 16:07
To: me
Subject: RE:

I TOTES. Know what you mean…yeah man I am coming downnnnnnnn…whats ur plans satday and sat evening??keen for fun times with u xxxx
With Kind Regards,
Bambi
From: Lauren
Sent: 18 April 2011 16:21
To: Bambi
Subject: RE:

Thanks for the KIND REGARDS my lovely. Warmly received! Warmly received indeed.

I have to babysit Saturday night [read: tiptoe round silently while the babber is asleep, gorge on takeaway curry and spill red wine on the carpet] but I could be free in the day for some kind of rendez-vous if you are able to squeeze me in?

xxx

From: Bambi
Sent: 18 April 2011 16:38
To: Lauren
Subject: RE:

That’s a pleasure…how about Friday night and then chillage Saturday day or just chill Saturday day? Im easyyyyyyyy…like a Friday morning…
How comes things are £$%&balls atm?
Lots of wrestles and kisses xxx


From: Lauren
Subject: RE:
Hahaha that is so weird, people keep saying that to me! (I’m easy like ‘insert specified weekday’ morning)

Why??? Have they noticed I’m a massive ex-sl*t and are trying to make me feel better about aforementioned sl*ttiness ??
Does my general e-presence make people feel more liberated in the pants…? (I hope so!....)

ANYWAY. Whatever it is. I like it!

Urgh I dunno whats up lately, everything just seems heinous. I watched the hangover yesterday and nearly cried cos I was like…. If I got married and wanted to go to vegas and drink roofies and steal Mike Tysons tiger…… I wouldn’t have anyone to take with me cos I have no friends anymore! Waaaaaaa :-(

Seeeeeeeew. I am in a generally sh**b@lls frame of mind lately. I reckon Friday night is a go-er, my parents are away so if you’re coming down we can go out and go back to mine after.
I’ve been trying to hint *my loverboy* into taking me away on Thursday night to help me through this difficult time (the difficulties lie in me being such a heinous loser, which I think you will appreciate is a difficulty in any young woman’s life!)

I am feeling dubious as to the success of my campaign but if it happens……..
I can be back for Fri night for sure, however if you get a better offer or it’s not convenient don’t worry about cancelling and just doing Sat instead.

I am also easy. But more easy like that pr0zzer that slept with Wayne Rooney. Yum.

I am leaving in ten mins so I will pick up your reply tomorrow or text / fb me later. Love you xxx

I have since noticed what a rediculous wordvomit of an email that was. and i am ashamed.
back in my little box to watch the Hangover, weep, cram face full of cheese, and repeat.

Thursday, 7 April 2011

Day 4, a song that makes you sad.

King Creosote, Marguerita Red


I could be pouring my heart out
I still don't think that you'd hear me

I could be crying my eyes out
I still don't think you'd hold me
I've tried to shout you down
You just turn around and you smile
Then you go


Marguerita Red
Marguerita
bled me dry

I could hold my head in my hands
You wouldn't think to ask me
I could voice my fears out loud
You wouldn't think to help me
I've tried to hold you down
You scream out loud and you smile

Then you're gone.




The amount of times i have played this to people. and they havent listened to a word